Through the Brownest of Mud
by Frayed One
Summary: A gift fic for Snarkoleptic. Muddy travel leads to epic shenanigans for Hawke and his companions.


**_Disclaimer:_**_ I don't own anyone, it's all Bioware. I just throw them in the mud for my own amusement._

**_A/N:_**_ This is a one shot gift fic for my fellow IAG, Snarkoleptic. I thank her profusely for giving me this cast on loan from her personal canon and allowing me some much needed mirth. _

_**Basic setup:** To borrow a little quote from Snark's work Through the Blackest of Nights - "Almost a week outside of Charity, the rains had come. Overland progress had been slow, with time at camp occasionally stretching to days without moving. Hawke had lost count of the number of sprains and other minor injuries they'd had to treat after someone slipped in the mud on the road."_

_This, in my mind, comprises the shenanigans and conversation this particular crew would get up to if left to travel in these conditions._

_Thanks to **artemiskat** for betaing this thing for me. I'm sure it was some much needed levity for you after reading all my current chapters!_

_Merry Christmas, Snark! :P_

_-Frayed One_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Through the Brownest Mud<strong>_

"I don't see why we haven't stopped somewhere." Carver muttered to his brother before casting yet another angry glare up through the curtain of rain to where Danica continued to push them forward. "Even she's got to be miserable by this point, she's just too bloody stubborn to admit it."

"He's got a point, Davin. This weather is causing my feathers to droop, and there's no justice in that." Anders sniffed irritably and shook off a rivulet of rain into the muck they were trudging through. Somewhere beneath that there had once been a road.

"Maker, that was awful…" Hawke snorted, listening to the low rumble of Carver's appreciation from his other shoulder.

"Too soon?" Anders smiled at them and then shrugged his shoulders when he got no response.

"I think the weather is lovely." Merrill trilled, making Carver jump as she suddenly appeared at his elbow and smiled up at him from beneath the protective shadow of her hood. "It's like having a nice stroll and bathing all at once; only we have on far more clothing than that would require."

Carver sputtered at the thought of the pretty little mage in nothing more than the skin the Maker had given her, trying and failing several times to come up with a witty retort, before charging ahead in frustration. Hawke and Anders barely managed to stifle their laughter until he got out of range, at which point they simply let it rattle through them in great booming bursts.

"Oh, dear. I've gone and run him off again. What was it this time? Does he not like walking or are baths somehow inappropriate topics among the Templar?" Merrill folded her arms across her chest and tracked her eyes up to Carver's rapidly retreating form.

"Carver's fine with walking, and I'm fairly certain he's got no problems with bathing. He used to spend hours in the bath… though… now that I think on it, that may _not_ have been about a giving himself thorough cleaning." Hawke responded, setting both himself and Anders back to their snickering.

"It was what you said about taking off your clothes, Merrill." Anders said, managing to compose himself enough to finish the explanation when Hawke couldn't seem to contain his own laughter.

"I still don't see the problem. I've seen Carver without his shirt on. I'm certain the rest of him is just as nice. And I've been told all my parts are quite well formed." Merrill's face was the picture of innocence, which only made the two men with her laugh harder.

"_Well_ _formed_? Who said _that_ to you?" " Hawke choked on the large mouthful of rain he somehow managed to suck in with his surprised gasp of air.

"Isabela." Merrill responded.

"Right." Hawke and Anders said together.

"Should have guessed that one I suppose." Hawke noted, sharing a smirk with his love.

"It _was_ rather obvious." Anders replied.

"She also said that I had to be careful that my cookies weren't so sweet they ruined my pie, but I never did figure out what that meant… and now she's gone and I'll never get to ask her." " Merrill tapped thoughtfully at her chin, completely missing the dumbfounded look on both men's faces.

After a long pause, Hawke spoke again, "I think Carver could probably help clarify that for you, Merrill."

"Do you think he would? I'd forgotten all about it, but now that I've remembered it will drive me mad if I can't explain it." Merrill was practically beaming at him.

"I'm sure he'd be delighted to tell you. Just make certain he hears you. It's hard to make things out over the rain and the sloshing sometimes." Hawke ignored the harsh sound of a clearing throat from the man beside him.

Merrill nodded and dashed ahead, having to break out into a full on run simply to gain ground against Carver's much longer strides.

"He's going to kill you for that." Anders quirked an eyebrow at Hawke as he watched the elf make her way through the muck to Carver's side.

"I'm just having a little perfectly innocent fun. I have to do something to make this tolerable while Danica drives us through this river of filth like oxen." Hawke folded his arms across his chest and waited patiently for it to happen.

"Well, when your _fun_ backfires on you in about ten seconds, you're on your own." Anders leaned over to kiss Hawke's cheek affectionately before backing off from the side of the road that he occupied entirely. "And just remember, I told you so."

_Ten_.

Merrill caught up to Carver, nearly causing him to leap out of his skin again when she reached up to grab his hand in an effort to get his attention.

_Nine_.

Anders settled his pace slightly behind Hawke's and moved himself to the far left side of the muddy pathway.

_Eight_.

Carver leaned down to listen to Merrill as she began to recount what Isabela mentioned to her and asked for his advice as to its clarification.

_Seven._

"**What**?"

A broken croak from Carver is followed by a lengthier and louder explanation from Merrill that now involved animated hand gestures aimed in the vague direction of the parts of her body she believed Isabella might have been referencing.

_Six._

A completely flustered Carver stumbled off the path and into the trees for a moment, turning back and whispering something to Merrill who points a confused finger back in Hawke's direction.

_Five._

"**You**!"

Carver yelled with his glare, dipping down to scoop a huge heaping handful of muck from the road and fashion it into what can only be described as a _mudball_.

_Four_.

"Come, brother, let's not be hasty!"

Hawke spread his hands out in placation, summoning up his most diplomatic smile as Carver stomped forward, sloshing the mudball in the grasp of his right gauntlet.

_Three._

"It was a joke, Carver! Where's your sense of humor gone?"

Carver pulled his arm back, lips quirking into a half smile as he thought fondly on the idea of his older brother forced to continue marching with his face crusted in the disgusting concoction he held in the palm of his hand.

_Two._

The mudball is released, sailing through the air intent on its target. Great slimy bits broke loose on the journey and plopped back to join their brethren on the ground below.

_One._

Hawke somehow managed to duck in time to avoid being struck by it. He sprang back up to toss a catty wink back at Carver before the horrified look on his brother's face tells him the wet slap he'd just heard was _not_ the disgusting projectile taking its place back in the puddles where it belonged.

"Circumdatus sum filiis... luto et filii..." Fenris scooped large clumps of the mud off of his face and slung them angrily off his fingers onto the ground.

"That… _Balls!_ I didn't mean to…" Carver shot an angry glare at his brother, who could do nothing but stand there, along with Anders and Merrill, in horrified silence while they waited for the broody elf to do whatever it was he planned to do in retaliation.

"It's fine." Fenris growled, his eyes finally visible again and glinting dangerously out from his mud covered face. He pulled his hood back, exposing his head to the rain and allowing the dirt to streak off his skin as he pulled clumps loose from his white hair.

Carver, Hawke and Anders all continued to stand motionless in the ever increasing downpour, watching as the elf made his way through their midst and proceeded forward behind a still oblivious Danica. Merrill smiled happily at him from the puddle in which she tapped her bare toes and was surprised when he almost smiled back.

After giving the elf what they felt was a sufficient berth, the trio of men fell in behind him. Merrill lagged slightly behind while Carver stayed slightly ahead.

"I'm hungry." Anders mumbled a few moments later, the audible grumble of his stomach punctuating the thought for anyone who might not have believed him.

"Are you Wardens ever _not_ hungry? Might as well set you up with a feed bag. It'd certainly be easier on the rest of us." Carver was clearly still fuming over his brother's little prank.

Anders started to respond, more than a little miffed that Carver was popping his snark off in his direction rather than over at Davin where it belonged, but was interrupted when a snort of laughter erupted from the other man's direction.

"Don't worry, Carver." Hawke quipped, tossing a wink at Anders that made him groan even before he'd heard what was coming. "He's not going to ask to share your cookies and pie."

Carver spun on his brother then, sending Hawke dancing out of his range. He laughed even harder at the ever increasing color on his younger brother's face and forced Anders to shift over into the space Carver had previously occupied in order to avoid being caught in the middle of their rough housing.

Carver was seconds away from smiting his brother out of pure spite, when their brawl was interrupted by a resounding splash followed soon after by a squeal and a string of obscenities. They turned to find Anders up to his waist in what appeared to be a sludge pit that had somehow opened in the storm ravaged road.

"Apologies, Anders. That sty was meant for the swine." Fenris tossed an agitated glance back toward the brothers and offered his assistance to Anders as he attempted to remove himself from the hole.

"You dug a _pit_… in the road!" Carver moved forward cautiously to inspect the spot where Anders had fallen. He was stunned that the elf would put so much effort into getting back at him for the mudball and more than a little impressed he'd pulled it off without any of them having noticed.

"Yes, in the fifteen minute span between when I passed you and now I have dug and filled a mud pit." Fenris settled the muck covered mage back on solid ground and leveled his most patronizing glare in Carver's direction.

"You could have just said no." Carver folded his arms over his chest, hoping he didn't look as foolish as he felt.

"No." Fenris turned to head back down the path without another word.

"There was a log in front of it. He moved it off with his foot as he walked by." Merrill pointed over to the log that now lay just outside of the path.

"You could have warned us, Merrill." Hawke said, a half smile betraying the stern words he had chosen.

"I thought he was being helpful." Merrill responded with a shrug of her shoulders. "Though, perhaps he was. Mud is very good for the skin you know?"

"I have mud in places mud should _never_ be." Anders cringed as he thought about just how _that_ was going to feel as it dried.

"Isabella always said that she liked the meat hard but the berries tender. Mud would certainly keep your berries tender… though, Isabella _was_ a woman, and Hawke is not… which would mean this entire theory might not apply to this particular situation…" Merrill tapped at her chin thoughtfully before turning her attention to Hawke. "How do you like your berries Hawke?"

"I… I have to… go… die now…" Carver managed, very nearly going into the mud pit himself in his hurry to escape.

Merrill blinked, unsure how to respond to that, and then turned her attention back to the remaining two men.

"Let's never discuss anything Isabella might or might not have said _ever_ again." Anders gave up on getting anything clean and turned them back along the path behind the others.

They marched on for some time after that in silence, simply trying to gain some ground on the rest of their party all of whom had managed to get farther and farther ahead while they stood about discussing the finer points of a mud bath. Danica was barely recognizable within the walls of rain in the increasingly heavy storm.

The longer they walked, the more obvious it became just how uncomfortable Anders was after having dropped into the pit of muck. Well aware that his love didn't care for things like small clothes, Davin could only imagine exactly where that mud had gotten to.

"I can try to manage something between a cone of cold and a fireball…" Hawke drifted over to Anders' side and glanced surreptitiously at his pelvis and then fashioned an illustrative gesture with his hands that involved subtle probing flashes of both spells. "… maybe, if it works right, it'll kind of… _shoot_ up there in a spout and dislodge any…" his brow arched up then as another bulb went off. "Or, I _could_ try a misdirection hex, maybe confuse the mud and make it fall off. But, that one could backfire and make certain... activities... quite difficult for us until the hex wears off…"

"I'll thank you to stop right there…" Anders reached over to still Hawke's hands before he could go any further with the demonstrative explanation. "I don't fancy having anything down there burned, frozen, jettisoned or… misdirected, as the case may be. Though kudos for the creativity in even thinking up that last one, love."

Anders stopped in the middle of the road, scratching at his chin and lost in thought.

"What?" Hawke's eyes narrowed suspiciously on his love as a look he'd long since recognized to be trouble etched its way onto the other man's face.

"You've just given me an idea how I can get back at that bloody elf for leaving me to fall in that pit…" Anders replied, his hands falling into a familiar pattern as he mapped out a glyph of repulsion into the middle of the road and waited for the glowing outline to be swallowed within the muck.

"That's not a very good idea…" Hawke arched an eyebrow over at the blonde and hoped that would be enough for him to simply drop the idea.

"Come on, Davin. Sure he _says_ he didn't intend to get _me_ in that bog but we both know he wasn't sorry to see me fall in it either." Anders muttered, resigning himself to his idea fully and taking in a deep breath before he lay prostrate in the murky waters of the road. "All he's got is a bit of dirt in his hair, while I'm forced to march with bits so far up my nether reaches I doubt they'll ever be seen again. Where's the ju…"

"_Don't_ say it!" Hawke interrupted, sighing and covering his face with his hands, but not before he saw the smile curl the edges of his lover's mouth.

A few moments later he dropped his hands, drawing his staff as he'd been momentarily caught off guard by Anders' fearful caterwauling. He was fully ready to fireball whatever it was to the Black City when Anders tossed him a subtle wink. Hawke was forced to suppress any response me might have had when he noted Danica, Carver and Fenris were all now running back in their direction.

Both Hawke and Anders could see the error in the execution of this plan as the group approached. Anders had assumed that Fenris, being the furthest behind of the front three, would be the first to reach the glyph. He had not predicted that Danica would sprint past both Carver _and_ Fenris; the panic that was now visible in her face providing more than enough motivation to propel her beyond the lengthier strides of the much taller men. She skidded to a stop right at the edge of the glyph, and Hawke released the breath he had been holding.

"What? Is it bandits?" Danica turned quickly to eye the nearby foliage, peering out of the shadows of her hood through the blinding rain to try and make out whatever it was that had frightened Anders so badly he'd fallen to the ground.

The sound of the rain was so thunderous that she missed the quick intake of breath from both Hawke and Anders as her toe grazed the edge of the glyph once again. After searching her periphery for several pregnant seconds and finding nothing that would warrant a dive into whatever the once dirt road had mutated into over the course of the night, she took a step toward Anders intending to put aside her annoyance as best she could and simply help the man back up so they could get back in motion.

There was a brief second when Danica realized what was happening. Hawke had undoubtedly started something with Carver, who had responded in his usual blundering manner, somehow leading to Anders adding his efforts to the already overflowing pond of stupidity, the end result of which was evidentially a repulsion glyph hidden underneath several layers of mud. A repulsion glyph that had just sent her flying several feet to land in a rather large puddle of that very same mud.

"Balls." Anders said, scrambling to his feet and scurrying over to where Hawke, Carver, and Fenris had already collected.

"Meant for me?" Fenris asked, not taking his eyes off the small mud covered figure on the ground ahead of them.

"You got it." Hawke noted that Anders seemed to have lost the power of speech the moment Danica's toe grazed the edge of his glyph the first time.

"Doubt that's going to mean much now." Fenris watched as the shaking started to overtake the petite woman's body while she scraped layer after layer of disgusting brown muck off her body, and face, and hair.

"Not likely." Hawke swallowed and stepped back once again as Danica rose to her feet.

She was muttering now, and rolling up her sleeves, clearly intent on casting something though none of them could hazard a guess as to what.

"That can't be good." Anders said, finally finding his voice.

"Perhaps now would be a good time to toss out that smite you seemed to be saving for me earlier, Brother?" Hawke turned a wary eye in the younger man's direction.

"Are you bloody kidding me?" Carver shook his head emphatically. "Whatever she's up to now, it will only be worse if I smite her."

Before any other words could be managed or theories uttered the entire group found themselves being dragged forward into the nexus of force energy Danica had thrust into the ground a few feet ahead of her. They started to stand after reaching it, allowing themselves to relax for a brief moment with the thought that perhaps she only intended to lecture them, before being slammed back down into the mud with a quick flick of her outstretched hands.

Danica twitched both down turned palms at the wrist a couple of times, giving the boys a good, face first rubbing in the muck for good measure before allowing the spell to dissipate with a satisfied smile.

"Now get up and put whatever nonsense started this to bloody rest!" Danica snipped, turning on her heel and moving forward at an even less forgiving pace now that she was angry. "I _was_ going to stop at a cave just ahead and try to give everyone a nice long rest to dry out, but now I have to find somewhere to clean all this mess off, so I guess we'll just have to keep going. Thank you all so _very_ much."

The muttering started almost immediately, each one of the men intent on blaming the other for getting things to this point. Danica spun back again, the fury in her eyes evident even through the rain and shadows.

"I _believe_ I said to lay it to rest." Her voice had now taken on a distinctly menacing tone. "Imbeciles!"

The men fell silent. Nods of agreement all they could manage in response, and so Danica turned and strode off again.

"It looks as though I've missed all the fun stuff again." Merrill's voice chirped out from behind them, causing every one of them to jump. "I see you all decided to listen to my advice about the many healing properties of mud. Hmm… maybe I should have a go myself."

She started to kneel down, but Carver stopped her. "No Merrill, just… let's go catch up to Danica. She's in a mood now."

As the pair moved forward, Anders noted that Merrill allowed her hand to linger in the bend of Carver's elbow and neither of them seemed the least bit bothered by it.

"Now _that's_ justice." Anders allowed himself a broad smile as he watched the two awkward youths speaking in companionable whispers.

Hawke and Fenris groaned as they moved past him, both swiping away layers of muck from their bodies as they settled into the idea that they'd be walking for Maker only knew how much longer.

"What? _Still_ too soon?" Anders laughed, speeding his steps to catch up with them and surprised to find that suddenly he didn't really mind being trapped in the rain.


End file.
